Being friend zoned...

So I've just thought of something, especially when it comes to guys and their dating situations. Going through guys profiles, if they have any kind of actual bio, I've noticed that the vast majority of guys want to start out as friends...then see where it leads. But on the flip side of that, I'm sure that the vast majority of those same guys end up in the "friend zone" and get discouraged when that happens, because it's ultimately what they initially requested, yet not what they intended to happen in the long run. So where does the line need to be drawn? I know that I am very open about what I'm looking for from the getgo, but maybe most people aren't like me? For instance...I already have a lot of friends, so I don't necessarily need more, and that's not what I'm looking for. So going into something as "just friends" until something is realized by whatever guy I'm getting to know, if I get to a certain point and haven't had any proof that there is interest beyond being friends, I generally move on and don't look back. I'm just curious on different perspectives on this matter.

It's an unfortunate situation when one person has romantic feelings but the other doesn't. I don't blame someone for catching feelings even if it started as a friendship. It's not like they made a contract to be just friends forever. They did nothing wrong to catch feelings. If it's happening to you a lot, it may be be a sign you should be less friendly once you realize they have caught feelings. I think the person who only wants to be friends is kind of responsible at that point to try to help set the tone of the relationship and possibly cut the other person off if they seem like they can't just be friends.

I can definitely agree with this. I've only friend-zoned one guy in my life. But I definitely do invest a lot more than I should to start....and while I've not technically been friend zoned myself, I have come across quite a few guys that were just completely emotionally unavailable, with no hope in the foreseeable future. When these things are learned, I back away significantly, if not completely.

I think withdrawing yet staying "friends" can be more detrimental than just breaking away completely. Really depends on the person, but from that point on the 'friendship' has really been tainted or forever tinged with a context which forces both parties not to react naturally with each other. It's a rather sticky situation.

I agree. I feel like if you really care about this person as a friend but know they want more than friendship, you should try to make it easier for them to move on. That's hard and takes sacrifice, but often it seems like that's much healthier for the other person.

I'm in the minority? Huh, strange. I feel like this id more an attempt by some guys to avoid putting pressure on a potential partner immediately and instead getting to know each other. For some less... honest guys. A way to slip into a girls defenses.

I just read your profile, and the minority you fit into is definitely a growing one. I think in another 10 years, us monogamous folk are gonna be the minority 🤣

I already feel like that's close to being the case. So many profiles I see are either poly, have kids, in an open relationship, etc. I'm a bit of an old fashioned hopeless romantic myself and really just want to find my forever person, but as time goes on it's getting more rare to find someone else who wants the same.

Very true. 10 years was me being generous. While I'm intrigued by how others choose to live, that lifestyle definitely isn't for me.

I agree, friends first often lowers the requirements of everyone involved to respect the others feelings and their responsibility to be transparent in their actions.

This is always a minor misunderstanding I think on the parts of mono folks. I'm also a hopeless romantic, I'm ALSO looking for a forever person, but I also kn9w that as a romantic I love deep, often and hard. So why limit sharing the love I have to one person? XD

Well, without the selective commitment to each other, what makes the relationship any different than fwb? To me, what makes that type of love special, is that that person feels like the other half, and when you meet them you no longer need nor want another. They by themselves are enough for you, and you to them, and it is that which makes it so special.

I completely understand that, and I'm not saying either is better we're all different people! Just trying to share some knowledge I have from my perspective. Which also includes the misconception that we *aren't* selectively committed. With how hard it is to maintain the dynamics between two people how do you think we handle three, or even four? I have the person who is my core, the person who I first connected with. I'm not out looking for other people, what I am doing is keeping my heart and self open! If someone else comes along we decide *together as one* if this is someone we want as more than just a friend, how they fit with us, and we communicate and express this with them and then let it grow. There's this misconception that, tbf is spread by many "poly" people actually just not eanting to commit to others properly, that a polygamous person is still out playing the field if they only have one partner. They might be, but it's unlikely, and if they are they likely have their primary partner with them. Once someone is involved in the relationship then you're all *core* to each other. Same commitment, same communication. It obvi varies from person to person on what they want. In the end though our partners aren't someone we just hit up for sex or chilling. It's a full relationship, just one where we, together, are open and willing to take others in and share our love and commitment. On top of that, some people prefer being poly, but for their core partner they will be monogomous to support them and comfort them. Tl:dr it's the same degree of commitment, just with a small difference found through communication

I respectfully disagree that it's the same level of commitment. I've spent almost 3 years in a poly relationship, with two different sets of two girls in my life. We were all very committed in those relationships, but it's still not the same as monogamy. I also realize it's not always about sex for poly people. That being said, that's my views and how I live. I have no issue with you having your views and living how you choose to. I wish you nothing but happiness in life, and if that's what brings you happiness, good for you.

Completely understandable and I wish you all the same, I do find myself putting just as much time and commitment into my poly relationships as the mono ones I have, but that might just be me, and I'm fully aware it's not for eceryone. I also hope you find happiness and love and good fortune in life Tegan ❤️

Its a tough one because normally building foundations for relationships begin with frienships. Considering this isnt the 18th century where partners r chosen by others and put straight to marriage. Its not a bad thing to be friends first imo. At that point it allows you to see if anything more is possible if that makes sense. But i also dont think its a bad thing for both to establish at the beginning that they are not looking to be just friends, but will accept that if its what ends up happening. (Cuz fatal attractions are frowned upon lol)

Yes, I believe communication needs to be very clear from both parties early on. I have no communication issues, but unfortunately, most people aren't on the same level as me on that topic.

Right thats usually the issue in many cases yea

You're saying what I have been saying for so long. I'm open to friendships, because honestly I don't have very many women as friends. My friend circles seem to be mostly dudes and maybe their girlfriends, but I'm not really friends with any of their girl friends/wives. I have had women friends, but hobbies/life/whatever we have drifted apart.. and many of those when they end up marrying trying to be friends just seems to not work out and I'm in a spot now where I really don't have any real women friends anymore. So I'm always open to it.. but if there is attraction beyond friends I don't begin with the context of friends, I set my intentions clear that I would like courtship or dating. My intentions clear and my expectations clear. The whole friends first thing sets the wrong expectations right from the get go. It's all about respect and equality of energy. If it's not there it's not there, and if someone's too immature to set the intentions and expectations clearly it won't be worth your time.

I agree with this 100%!!! I'm always open about my intention...I mean, it's blatant on my profile. That's why when I don't feel like what I'm putting out is being reciprocated, I move on. I don't have close guy friends and don't really keep in touch with guys that once had a shot to find out if they actually did want me in that regard. Communication is such a big thing for me, and I also let everyone I start getting to know how important it is to be completely open. We aren't mind readers, or at least I know I'm not.

Chances are they're like that BECAUSE they're consistently friend zoned, it's what they're used to.

So maybe it's due to a lack of communication as stated in other comments? I've only ever friend zoned 1 guy, but we were old coworkers and had been roommates and everything...and there was NEVER any mention of interest...until about 12 years after being friends.

Most women's bios say the exact same thing. I think that online dating (or dating in general) has developed a sort of etiquette of caution where it's polite to viel your intentions and to hedge your bets. Don't put too much stock in what anybody says because most of it is just what they think is good manners and doesn't actually mean anything beyond that. It's all just people who are terrified of everybody trying to convince everybody that they're not a threat.

I've always wondered what other women's profiles are like, especially since I know I tend to be unique in a lot of areas. I guess I'm just super straight forward and know what I want, so I don't leave anything for question. Communication is definitely important, as to avoid possible road blocks and differences in the end result expectancies. Being polite and respectful to each others boundaries is definitely necessary...but the key is to actually know what each other wants for that to be truly successful.

I mean. I'm usually upfront about it. I don't expect anything out of anyone though. So if I get friendzoned then it's my fault plus I wouldn't mind since I love making friends. I mean if anyone wants more than that, then I am definitely open to it.

Everytime I make a friend, she always wants more. We always end up on the couch and while I'm talking about my awkward life, she's scheming and plotting to get in my pants.

Maybe you are inadvertently giving off vibes of being on that level? If your intentions are to only be friends, it needs to be clearly stated from the getgo. If you are open to having more than friendship, then good for you...you're doing SOMETHING right...lol

I feel like it's better to not rush into things right away. The friend part of it is getting to know each other which is important. You can go on dates but you have to remember to not try and do to much so it's best to go with friendly intentions at the start because the 2 of you might not click and then ultimately it just fails. People rush to much these days.

I can definitely admit that I definitely do *too much* for people right off the bat. No matter the relationship type, and no matter how often I get burned, by both friends and potential partners...it's a non toxic (to others) flaw of mine, lol