Advice needed, harsh truth over a beautiful lie, please?

I recently met a guy. The thing in question is, he helps someone he works with take care of her kids. The children are not his, nor has he fathered any children. Yes, they attempted to have a relationship in the past. His words, "things did not work out and they decided that they would be better as friends." The lady is seeing a guy now, and has been for a while. Again, his words. I do feel uneasy about the situation. He says he enjoys helping with the kids and such. 😅 But that truly feels like a cover, maybe I am uneasy because of slight trust issues. What would be a good way to go about informing him about the situation making me uneasy? Without sounding like, "that kind of person" I have a habit of being autisticly blunt, which can come away as rude to some people. 😅 Yes, I would like to see where things go with this guy. My pettiness, wants to point out to him that the situation is sketchy, from and outside piont of view, when he may or may not be looking for a relationship. We are still sniffing one another out. (Getting to know one another) I refuse to make people choose between me and another person in thier life. If I see where I am not an option, I will quietly remove myself. Do I press the topic? Or do I play nice, until there is more information, or until I find out in a hurtful way?

Hm. At the end of the day, if it's making you uncomfortable and can't understand why it's occurring (I can't blame you there, it's very odd) then definitely ask and talk to him about it, and express that's you're uncomfortable. If you keep it in and say nothing and silently feel uncomfortable, then it may inadvertently damage the relationship and pollute the feelings you have for him. By being honest and bringing it out in the open then you two can have a discussion and (hopefully) either come to a mutual understanding or a compromise of some sort. Also you need to do a little soul searching and make a decision about where you stand with this. If you ask yourself "am I okay with the idea of this continuing?" and if the answer is "no" then you know that you need to stand your ground and lay that out as a condition to be with you. Don't settle.

To be blunt, at this point, his business with the other girl and her kids may be none of your business if you two are still "sniffing eachother out." In your sniffing keep in mind that his situation may not change soon. You have to decide for you if that is something you can accept for the time being.

This is my thoughts as well. I believe we do not know one another well enough for it to bother me. 😕 ... When he brought it up to me the way he said it was, "So, I kinda have kids." When saying this he seemed uncomfortable, in a way that he was concerned on my reaction to the statement.

In that context, that is his choice and you have to respect that. I mean you can tell him how you feel about it but just don't expect him to want to change his situation, nor should he. If he has decided to be a part of those kids lives then he needs to follow through with it. That would actually show great character on his part. If he changes his mind about the kids because of how you feel about it what's stopping him from in the future changing his mind about you over someone or something else. I don't mean to come off lime people can't change their minds, but it's just food for thought.

I do respect the whole thing. It is actually admiring. I do not want him to just drop out if kids lives that he has been apart of for so long, because I have personal experiences on what that does to a child. Update; he does hold the lady and the children as a main priority. My reply was that, in the far future I would've to meet the family and help out where or when I could. The woman is a single mother with 3 kids, raging in age from 15 through 5. I already understand that being a mom is difficult, much less a mother who is doing that on her own. (I am not a mom, but I understand) He has no family around her but is in a tight knit community of work and hobbie related people he knows.

Talk to the man about it. Harsh truth always beats a beautiful lie. Talking with him may help your uneasiness and may also lay a good foundation for trust and communication if you are looking at this as a possible long-term relationship.

Be careful about getting relationship advice from single people, would you ask a 12 year old for driving tips?

What a weird analogy, it's like saying "don't ask a veteran about war"

you really shouldn't do that either

You going to ask a homeless guy for investment advice?

Wouldn't it be more profitable to ask someone based on their specific experiences? People can be single by choice, or have had a successful relationship that ended tragically.

Aren't veterans the exact kind of people you would want to ask about war? Not to say everyone on this app is single, but people seemingly no longer trust each other.

But they're not even close to the same thing, relationship advice from a single person is perfectly fine unless they've never had a relationship, I would like to think it's common sense to not just take everyones word and advice and run with it, be cautious with anything anyone says.

I would think their experience still held a level of value, even an outsider can have the necessary perspective for a realization

no. it would be better to ask people who are actively serving. Veterans don't have a stake in the game anymore. Their lives aren't on the line.

"Single by choice" is the exact opposite of someone who's thought process you want to share if you are trying to choose to be in a relationship. Tragic end to a relationship, better hope they aren't sentimental and idealizing their past as a coping mechanism. I did not say all single people give bad advice, but you're better off finding an old married couple who have seen decades come and go together

But they have experience in the topic at hand; also depends on how long since the person in question has been 'out of the game' but even then that doesn't mean their input isn't valuable or relevant.

The only old married couple I know are my grandparents, and they really don't like each other anymore, you could say they're veterans of some sort. I think that's a too simple way to look at it, personally.

Lol as a veteran I can assure you that just because they don't like each other doesn't mean they aren't still in it together.

Fair point. I wouldn't be asking a WW2 vet to share their perspective on a situation regarding the middle east today

Alright, girl, I'm here for you! Let's start with questions to ask yourself, before you even worry about this man. 1. Do you want a relationship with this man? - You seem to think he may not want a relationship. Which means he wants you, till his "friend," breaks up with her boyfriend. He stayed in her kids life, to stay in her life. 2. Do you want to date a man with children? - Men with children are fabulous and if he dated her and established a relationship with the children and wants to stay in their life...then that is AMAZING! Like to good to be true amazing, because what about her new boyfriend. Is she collecting father figures for her children? Or is she using him to free up time to date her new boyfriend and how does her current boyfriend feel about that? 3. How long are you willing to wait to see where things go? - You seem to want a relationship with him and I'm pretty sure guys know pretty quickly if they are looking for a relationship or not. I think they start searching knowing what they are looking for, so the wait is to guage your interest and determine if your willing to play. My advice is pull back. Let him chase you! If he's interested then he will make you a priority and everything else will fall into place. You do NOT need to be hanging out with another women children as he babysits, hoping she will fall in love with him, and she's out living her life not even thinking about him, and he's using you to feel better about his situation. Do you see how crazy complicated that sentence is...because the situation is crazy complicated! So...simplify! Let him ask you out. Let him make time for you. Have fun, but if he isn't looking for a relationship, then he has found the one, she doesn't want him, and he's using you. In my opinion...

Thank you. This truly was my thoughts into words and confirmation. 💐

I could hear your voice in your post, so trust your instincts. Don't talk yourself into or out of anything. Especially not based on anything written here, even my post is just meant to reverberate within you so you can make the decision that is right for you and if you falter...we got your back and if you flourish...we are happy for you.

I would say: ask him. Be upfront and honest with him, how it makes you feel, how it seems from the outside view. Either he genuinely wants nothing to do with her romantically and is being friendly/loves the kids or it is a cover. Though it wouldn't hurt to ask him, see where his mindset is at. You can say: "Hey, can I talk to you about something? It's very important to me. It's nothing bad. I'm only searching for clarity/understanding. We been talking for a while and I like to keep getting to know you. So I want to be honest with you about what I been thinking about, how it feels and seems to me." Go on from there, take it slow and be gentle with your approach.

I would advise and honest and open talk about this, with a focus on active listening. You shouldn't ignore how you feel, as it will only fester and grow. Perhaps by talking it through, you guys can find a solution that makes everyone feel better about it.

Truth, If you are truly concerned see if he will take you with him and introduce you to her. At the very least you will be able to gauge her reactions to you as either a threat or the new woman of just a guy she cares for as a friend. I have an ex (though we do have 2 kids together so slightly different) that even though we are split we are still friends because of the kids. Kids forge a different kind of bond between people. She and I both know we can never be together nor do we have such desires. Sometimes friends are just that friends. But, the truth of your situation you will have to figure out.

I don't like giving advice. I would never advise this guy about what he should do regarding the kids or you, but I would say, act in your own interest. It doesn't matter if he's a great guy or if what he's doing is right or admirable if it's not something you want to deal with. You don't OWE anyone a relationship with you. I, personally, don't date women with male best friends. I don't condemn them. I don't think it's wrong. It's just not a situation I personally want to deal with. There are plenty of partners for those women and there are plenty of women who don't have that situation. No different than any other preference. Some battles aren't worth fighting and some headaches can be avoided quite easily. The real question is where is your line. Decide, and move forward accordingly.

Maybe start by laying it out to him and asking if he can see how that might seem a bit sketchy

If your feeling uneasy about the situation then you should address it. Your Instincts are telling something is not right everything is not adding up for you to talk about it. A man will make the effort for what he wants

She also said her reactions are being colored by her past experiences. So not so cut and dried over instinct.

Some very reasonable and well considered comments here. Alls I would ask is that you put to him whether he knows what a, 'beta cuck' is. 🙏🏻

You are saying that it is childish of him to care and upkeep with children that are not his? Along with staying friends with someone he has had a relationship, and intimacy with? I am curious to weather or not the friendship is a healthy one, tbh. He has made it known that he does spend a good bit of money on the children. He spoke of her once when he mentioned that he took care of the kids. Only other time he spoke of her was when I asked questions.

I'm saying it is very questionable that he has such dedication to this other woman's kids. In what sense is he intimate with her? Maybe I misunderstood. But on the level of raw mathematics, I doubt he can dedicate the emotional energy you require if he is already an active father to kids who aren't even his. What happens if you want kids with him? I think the guy has problems

I had a wonderful time with the fella, if I do end up being played dirty, that is his problem to sleep with at night not mine

Okay. As you seem to not exactly be "official" being that you're still getting to know each other I think the first problem is the trust issues. Perhaps I'm too trusting but I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt until I know damn well something ain't right. N usually that's at a point when I already know them well enough. I say sit back n watch what he does. I don't mean stalk him lmao I mean like after you I guess have a calm talk about the situation n how it makes you uncomfortable just see what he does to assess the situation

A lie at the end of the day is still a lie. I don’t think it’s a good idea to build a relationship on that. You can exercise some finesse when speaking the truth. First let’s figure out what the truth is. His sense of duty for helping others is something that you admire about him. That’s something you want him to keep doing. He is incredibly loyal, that’s also something you like about him. The issue is you are worried that someone else might take him away from you. That he might become more loyal to someone else instead. Tell him how you made him a priority over other people in your life. And that you want him to do the same for you. Depending on how close you are, you could even say that he is free to help anyone he needs, as long as he gives you more.